Growing up as a child all my friends had “Dad’s”… Even if they didn’t live with them they still spoke of them. I use to feel so sad that I didn’t have a dad… I wasn’t anyones “daddy’s little girl”, I didn’t get to have that father daughter bond.. But there was a reason he wasn’t there… Which I won’t go in to, but the courts wouldn’t allow him… Which says more than any words could.
I had a step dad.. He was there sometimes.. I have good memories of him, and not so good too… Not bad… But just the normal family arguing I imagine, but at the time I didn’t appreciate what he did for us because for what ever reason I didn’t call him dad and I think it was always pointed out his family where step – family not family. But he was technically my dad.. He came on family holidays, he was there at Christmas and birthdays, he is the one in the photos, or carried me to bed at night, he is the one who sat with us while mum worked or went for a few hours deserved break… He is the one who loved my mum.
Unfortunately iv come to know too well in my life.. Nothing lasts… For what ever reason he left when I was 14.. and didn’t stay in touch, so I lost my father figure again. I would say that is probably when I started wondering why I didn’t have a “dad”. Why don’t my dads stick around, I may have even blames my mum, which I now know was wrong. Maybe if he had carried on seeing us I wouldnt have been effected so much, but I will never know the answer to that.
But being a child I wanted what all my friends had…
When I was 16.. My aunt introduced me to my dad behind my mums back. I’m still not sure if this has done me more damage emotionally, made me learn new lessons to be stronger or if actually it has just made me more appreciative of my mum and everything she had done and protected me from.
But it upset her which I will forever have to live with, but it has taught me that my mother was mum and dad and made me love her the way she should be loved.
At first of course it was great, I had all these new brothers and sisters… Who I still care for, and wish them the best in life, we don’t talk as much as I would like but they didn’t grow up thinking of me as a sister through no fault of their own.
As time went on… True colors started to show… The children were still very young.. He wasn’t interested in me… I was Just a pawn in his game. He made it clear his next goal was to get my brother just to hurt my mum. I wasnt included in anything, My picture was not up on the wall despite me giving him several up to date photos of me and my then husband as gifts, I was treated like a dirty secret, and like I was the added person, when Actually I was the first… He added the others after but loved them more than he loved me. I decided that I didn’t need that kind of rejection in my life again, I was expecting my own family. I didn’t and never had really needed him.
I completed my family and gave him another chance to prove him self.. Why? I thought maybe he would have changed over them years.. And having lost his new family because of his actions again, I thought he would want to meet his grandchildren..
At first it was great he showed lots of enthusiasm, but as soon as he realised my brother would never be part of his life he wasn’t that interested, 90% of the time he had an excuse not to meet. He never even wished his grandchildren happy birthday… I decided there and then he will never damage my children like he damaged me, it was obvious to me that any children I had would not be loved as much as any children he will eventually have from his actual family because he didn’t truly see me as his first born daughter. I no longer see him as my dad, iv erased that feeling, too many chances have been thrown in my face. No real dad would hurt their child.
I think subconsciously its damaged the way I view relationships, if a person doesn’t appreciate me and the things I can offer, or treats my children any less than they deserve then its goodbye from me. Its made me realise that actually my mum, with the occasional help of my step dad and nan, gave me her everything and that actually the only person who deserves my appreciation is her… Experiencing being a single mum I know first hand how extreamly hard it is to be the perfect mum and still raise good mannared, respectful, kind human beings.
Yes I’m damaged, I love too hard, and once that is broken I find it hard to forgive. I wear my heart on my sleeve, which means I get emotionally hurt alot, I dream too big, my expectations on life are high, I sometimes get jelous of others and I put alot of blame and hate on myself. I instantly assume people don’t like me and that I’m not good enough.. I’m not sure if I even know how to love anyone other than my kids, all the love I felt I was missing as a child I subconsciously reflect on my children…
They get my attention before anyone, their needs always come first, I ensure that each one of them knows I love them exactly the same…
And more importantly I ensure that their dad’s love them, see them and keep them very much in their lives even if they have new families or not, luckily for me the two fathers to my children are not nasty people and love there children.
My children deserve the world, and actually my mum gave me the world, and its taken me to become a single mum to realise how much she did for us through nothing but love.