Not my usual poetic writing… But just something I needed to write down
Its like a sickness that’s just doesn’t ever leave, you think you’ve managed to rid yourself of that horrible hatred of yourself… Then Wam Bam it’s back again. Sometimes it’s mild and your brain just goes mute and you end up looking unsociable or moody, other times it’s at its worst and your just looking for ways to escape and run away.
What I want my brain to be:
confident talking to new people
confidence in talking within groups
confidence in my ability to hold a conversation without sounding stupid
able to stand in a room and feel like I belong
confident with the way that I stand or look
confidence in my parenting ability
Confidence to laugh and be myself
What my brain really does:
wants to introduce myself and talk but instead goes mute around new people and struggle massively to strike up a conversation with someone I don’t know.
>wants to be part of the group and join in with the chat…. But brain tells me nope whatever you say won’t even be relevant you’ll make yourself look stupid. Just stay quite nod and smile or go stand on your own… Even better hide in the toilet for a while.
stands in a room full of people.. Feels totally alone… Yet like all eyes are watching and judging me…. (because I am judging myself)
my brain tells me daily, your tummys too fat, your hairs to curly you look like hagrid from Harry potter, you dress too mumsy. Your the biggest person in the room, you’ll break that chair if you sit in it so just stand awkwardly… Oh if your standing they can see your big mummy tummy.. Quick sit down before anyone sees it.
I get mortified and embarrassed if the kids are even the slightest bit rude or naughty in public. If they get tired and hangry I feel like everyone is judging me, that I’m not a good enough parent. If the kids are upset that iv said no… I feel like they hate me and probably wish for a better mummy. So then I wish I had stayed at home and not gone out with them because they are embarressing me… When actually they are just being kids.
I feel like I’m here…. Hiding behind all these walls and this huge body suit iv got on… Afraid to show the real me incase I’m not good enough.
I’ll only show myself to those that I see on a regular basis and can feel totally comfortable to let go. 😢😢 But if I don’t see someone that I’m comfortable with for a while… The walls just build back up.
Mental health is real, everyone has it…
Try be kind to ourselves. Our brains can be our own worst enemy x